Shitty first draft, indeed

Well I've got my first draft of the script for my graphic short story down, and it is not perhaps the best thing I've ever created. Nevertheless, I will present it to you, and hopefully you will be able to salvage it from the depths of mediocrity. I'll hopefully have a few pages done by next class, but I wanted to get any suggestions as early as possible, so I could start making revisions, and get to work soon. Coz it's gonna be a lot of work.

The script is below, but first you should look at some character sketches that I've made and photographed and uploaded. Otherwise, it'll be like when you read a book and then you see the movie, and you're like, "These aren't the characters I pictured at all. This hella sucks."

So, Character Sketches:
Happy Daniel, Mom
Sad Daniel
Dad, Aunt
Hannah
Mishael, Azariah
Storm trooper bots
Evil totalitarian dictator


Okay great. Now that you have seen my limited drawing skills, it's time for my limited writing skills. There are two script versions below.

1) Full script. This has page by page and panel by panel breakdowns of the entire comic. It's going to be almost 50 pages long, but before you break my spirits and tell me it's too much work, keep in mind that I'll be using the computer to copy and paste backgrounds and characters, and there are a couple pages that require hardly any drawing at all. And I have the whole thing planned out very specifically, so it's just a matter of drawing it all (after making revisions to the script based on suggestions). And I'll start with the more important scenes, so that if I don't have time to finish the less important scenes, I can just leave them out.
2) Skeleton script. This is if you can't manage to slog through like 30 pages of detailed directions about paneling and paging and such. You'll get a better picture if you read the first one, but I realize that's not exactly realistic. So this second script just gives you all the plot points and a lot of the dialogue.


Here are the two things I'm mainly worried about:

1) I've given the Dreamer character a purpose, but I'm not going to tell you what it is, because I want to see if I've conveyed it accurately at all. Any help with her character would be appreciated.
2) A lot of the scenes are a bit heavy-handed. I'm trying to find where exactly the limit is for those scenes, because it seems like the graphic novel as a medium lets you get a little more over-the-top than just regular text. But I don't want it to be uber-cheesy. So if you have suggestions on that, they would be much appreciated.